My “Midwife Crisis”

Ok.  First off I would like to thank my buddy Vicki for coining the phrase “midwife crisis”.  She’s a funny gal, who happens to be very supportive of my decision to go back to school at age 40.  And it truly was a crisis…….

On Monday, I emailed the wonderful midwifery director to tell her that I would be re-applying to the program for May 2010.  (YAY!)

Although I have wanted this for 18 years, when I withdrew my first application last spring, I was somewhat relieved.  I hadn’t really re-visited my feelings on the subject too often, until just last Sunday when the overwhelming urge to birth babies came back and hit my like a ton of bricks.  Then, after a conversation with my hubby, it was decided that I needed to do this once-and-for-all.  Then I got scared- the sick to the stomach kind.

Now, I’m one of those people who is simply not afraid of life or its challenges.  I have never, ever refrained from doing something because I was scared.  That is why, when this fear hit me, it was strange and unfamiliar. I had serious doubts about my ability to pull this off.  I thought of ways to back out. It was time to figure out what these feelings were trying to tell me.

After much reflection I have realized that I have actually grown up quite a bit in the last six months.  (How can you still be growing up when you’re 40?)  This fear, was rationally placed, understandable and completely legitimate…..and I actually admitted it!

I think the last remnants of the ideological, invincible child in me have finally left the building.  Of course I should be afraid.  This is going to be a huge commitment that includes, time away from family, extra burden on my hubby, missing the kids, and intellectual challenge (with a not-as-sharp 40 year old brain) while requiring epic organizational skills, late nights, early mornings, and a lot less wine to ease the pain.

I am ready to face this challenge like the adult that I am.