Ok. First off I would like to thank my buddy Vicki for coining the phrase “midwife crisis”. She’s a funny gal, who happens to be very supportive of my decision to go back to school at age 40. And it truly was a crisis…….
On Monday, I emailed the wonderful midwifery director to tell her that I would be re-applying to the program for May 2010. (YAY!)
Although I have wanted this for 18 years, when I withdrew my first application last spring, I was somewhat relieved. I hadn’t really re-visited my feelings on the subject too often, until just last Sunday when the overwhelming urge to birth babies came back and hit my like a ton of bricks. Then, after a conversation with my hubby, it was decided that I needed to do this once-and-for-all. Then I got scared- the sick to the stomach kind.
Now, I’m one of those people who is simply not afraid of life or its challenges. I have never, ever refrained from doing something because I was scared. That is why, when this fear hit me, it was strange and unfamiliar. I had serious doubts about my ability to pull this off. I thought of ways to back out. It was time to figure out what these feelings were trying to tell me.
After much reflection I have realized that I have actually grown up quite a bit in the last six months. (How can you still be growing up when you’re 40?) This fear, was rationally placed, understandable and completely legitimate…..and I actually admitted it!
I think the last remnants of the ideological, invincible child in me have finally left the building. Of course I should be afraid. This is going to be a huge commitment that includes, time away from family, extra burden on my hubby, missing the kids, and intellectual challenge (with a not-as-sharp 40 year old brain) while requiring epic organizational skills, late nights, early mornings, and a lot less wine to ease the pain.
I am ready to face this challenge like the adult that I am.